Breaking Down

So my friends, I came close to a breakdown.

We are 93 days out and all of a sudden I panicked about all the decisions. It started slowly with "my look." I picked up the dress with my parents and while I still love it, I could tell it wasn't what my mom had pictured me in. On top of that I couldn't decide about hair style and veil/no veil. I feel so indecisive. I want to ask everyone their opinion, but then I want them to see into my soul and figure out what I want, when even I don't know what I want! I'm crazy!

THEN mom and I talked about a cover-up of some kind and we are just not even in the same section of the library, much less the same page.

Sigh.

Then I started to second guess my photographer decision. I had decided on this very affordably priced woman, but I started to worry... What if we don't "gel!" I'm inviting someone I don't know, who has questionable yelp reviews to my wedding! She has misspellings on her webpage and is slow to return calls and writes very casual e-mails... Que heart rate increasing.

I'm doing a bit better. I am trying hard to remember that everything will be fine in the end!

Day 2

Still in the hospital. Ryan had three more seizures overnight. Now they are not allowing him to have the dilaudid because one of the rare side effects of dilaudid is seizures... Even though the seizures started at home when he hadn't had dilaudid in months. His pain hasn't been lower than a 7 since we got here.

So tired of seeing my love in pain.

Night at the hospital

Sitting at Ryan's bedside working on wedding invitations, Christmas gift brainstorming, Christmas dinner menu planning, living with the reality of loving someone with many serious health issues and trying to stay positive about it all... and then Facebook reminds me that Edie Carey is playing at WFMT tonight and I can stream the concert... Edie's voice and words are a balm on my aching heart and I feel like God is here with us through her...

Edie's music has been a soundtrack for my life since 1999 when I heard her at a NACA conference (thanks Greg Diekroeger.) I don't know how it's possible, but when I hear her sing, nothing seems too hard for me to handle.

And now she's playing my Ryan song! "Easy Now"!

Smile on my face.

Sunlight in my window 

Landing on my pillow 

Making me open my sleepy eyes 

You greet me with a smile on 

Kisses like I’ve been gone 

Pulling me closer to your side 

It’s easy, So easy, Easy now 

I used to get worked up 

Over the small stuff 

I would be up all night about it 

Now I can’t help laughing 

And you know the sad thing 

Is how I went so long without it 

It’s easy, So easy, Easy now  

All those years believing 

Love meant someone’s leaving 

All those years believing 

If it’s not hard, it’s not the real thing 

Look at this weather 

It’s only getting better 

Remember that winter when the lake froze 

Now I’m hoping in the high tide 

Floating in the twilight 

I can even do it with my eyes closed 

It’s easy, So easy, Easy now 

It’s easy 

Like breathing 

In and out 

All those years believing 

If it’s not hard, it’s not the real thing 

Photographer - Pro or not to Pro

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted! Things really ramp up at work during the holiday season and with my dear cousin's wedding and the extra stress at work, I haven't found myself with much down time. I'm squeezing this in right now because I have found that writing here relaxes me quite a bit! Take care of me time!

One of the decisions I continue to waver back and forth on, is the photographer. I LOVE looking at beautiful pictures on wedding blogs and seeing all the special details of the day. I feel inspired when I look at these pictures. I love the reminder that life can be really lovely, even when it's been a dismal day. However, those beautiful photos come from very talented photographers, and talented photographers come at a cost! I certainly do not begrudge them whatever fee they want to charge, I just know my budget and my limitations and a professional photographer is most likely not in the cards. What it comes down to is "How important to me is it that I have artistic, "blog worthy" photos from this event?" Are we the kind of people that will look at the pictures often? Or will they live in a photo album that is pulled out just a few times in our life. As long as there is one quality shot of husband and wife... isn't that all we really need? Can a friend with a good camera give me what I need?

I see these amazing weddings and I think about how beautiful our wedding will be and I panic... "If no one takes a picture of it, does it even count that it happened?!" I'm not talking the actual ceremony here, our life together will be the testament to that. I'm thinking of the dessert table, and my mom's wonderful food, the thoughtful and artful table decor that our wedding planner is creating, the handmade garlands, etc.

I've had a few friends go the "no-pro" route, and i've asked them. "So... do you like your wedding pictures?" The answer is usually "Eh, they are ok." Am I ok with that?

I really don't know and I am totally running out of time to decide!

Save The Dates sent!

Chicago mail is so unpredictable. Some times it can take weeks for go just a few miles, sometimes a day!

I put the postcards in the mail box near my office before work on Monday, and by Tuesday my Chicago friends had received them!

There is something very real about sending the Save The Dates. Everyone knows we are engaged and getting married, but people receiving something int he mail and contacting you to advise it has arrived and they have the date in their schedule... so real!

Very excited, and nervous and happy and blessed and...

:)

Venue!

I seriously think choosing a venue is the hardest part of the entire process.

I knew we would have a small wedding. Not 20 guest small, but around 50. Ryan hasn't kept in touch with a lot of people, and while I have a ton of aquaintences, I have fewer really close friends. Also, Ryan is really nervous about being in front of all these people and it seemed like unecessary torture to have a large group just for the sake of it! Also, since my parents are paying for the whole thing, a big wedding just isn't in the cards.

So how do you pick a venue... I started with what are things that we both like:
the outdoors
being stubbornly different
small towns

We thought about a destination wedding in someplace like Montana or Colorado since I love the mountains so much, but Ryan's family is all in Chicago and we'd would have had to help finance their travel, which we don't really have the money for.

We looked at some of the less common Milwaukee and Chicago venues, and either they were just too urban, too expensive, or simply not "us."

I'm not sure I remember how I found Horticultural Hall. Oh I remember! A friend of mine had her wedding up in Michigan and they rented a big house for the week and just had the wedding on the grounds of the house. It seemed SO perfect. They had tacos for dinner, sat around a camp fire, I loved it! I started thinking we could do something like that... somewhere not too far from both Milwaukee (my hometown) and Chicago (Ryan's hometown.) When I was looking for vacation rentals in the area I Googled something like Lake Geneva wedding and this place popped up. It looked adorable and the cost was right up our alley. After MUCH debating and researching, excel spreadsheets with pros, cons and costs outlined, a few days of driving around to various venues that had come up in my searches, and in general freaking out about making the best choice,  the one that kept coming back to the top of my list was Horticultural Hall.

So cute!

It has a lovely courtyard.

Lots of light inside and those exposed beams that I just can't get enough of :)

That's my dad walking out to the courtyard from the main room...

from the Horticultural Hall website

Plenty of room, but not TOO big. Space for a small dance floor (a WHOLE other post on this lol) and all our guests with no crowding. Yipeee!

Plus the guy who runs it, is like 80+ years old and a hoot. He is really into train history, as is my dear Ryan, so they hit it off. I confirmed the date after only a minor hiccup and the venue is reserved.

Originally I wanted to have the ceremony at the Yerkes Observatory which is just a few miles outside of Lake Geneva. In addition to trains, Ryan is a NASA buff (yeah his interests are pretty dorky, but it just makes me love him that much more!) and Yerkes is a very important observatory. Check this place out.

So beautiful! There is this big manicured lawn leading up the steps and the beautiful door.

 I thought we could do the ceremony in the Rotunda (picture above.) But the rental cost for just a ceremony in this place is almost as much as the entire reception rental and we just couldn't rationalize it. Bummer!
Maybe we will crash the outside to take a few pictures there though!

Save The Date saga...

I took the file of our Save The Date to a printer that my friend recommended  She had used them for her wedding invitation and they really came through for her. They are located on Michigan Avenue, about 1 mile from my office. They did a proof on the paper I had provided, the lovely "luxe" cream paper from PaperSource. It looked kinda crummy. The texture of the paper meant that the printing looked a bit spotty. The ink didn't adhere uniformly. So I decided to go ahead and use their recommended paper. They also are cutting them to the correct size. (One of the advantages of having them professionally done!)

I picked them up yesterday, threw them in my purse, went on with my day. After looking at them more closely I realized the color wasn't what I expected. When I got home I compared them to the proof they gave me, and it totally doesn't match! I freaked out a bit. I asked a few other people if I was being silly, if the colors were ok, but most people noticed it and agreed that I should go back and ask them to fix it.

I went back up this afternoon, and they totally agreed it didn't look right and agreed to redo them. They will be done tomorrow and I'm going to ask them to messenger them since I am tired of traveling back and forth fro this place!

Then we can get started addressing them!